May 2000: Totally Out of My Hands

*Thoughts from a Grandmother*

I want to thank each one of you who sent me a wonderful, loving letter in regard to my last newsletter, Bad Dreams. I was overwhelmed by the love, kindness and wisdom of your replies - especially your support concerning my 99 year old grandmother. She's doing much better now; she's happy and more peaceful than before.

I hung a painting in front of her bed that I painted a number of years ago. She loves it. It's full of color and light and love. I filled her purse full of play money. She now feels rich and stopped worrying about not being able to pay her rent. She doesn't know my name and asks if she knows me. She calls me Charley Brown. I wonder if this is my new spiritual name? She says to me, "You're a good man, Charley Brown." I love how others and Spirit see me.

The rest home is changing for me. Just to have love and a smile is sometimes all we can give and is very powerful. Maybe changing something a little, even with a smile, allows it to move to a new place. I teach that if you could love yourself 1% more than you've ever loved before, your entire life will change. This works here, too.

My knee is getting stronger. What's great is that I forget my original knee has been replaced. I'm learning how to walk without pain - and with a smile. I ran the other day for the first time in years. I felt like a kid, laughing and moving fast. The amusing part is that now I set off the security alarms at airports. So I spread my arms as the guards check me out and I feel like I'm preparing to fly. I love the symbolism - I'm preparing for a new paradigm.

**Knee Replacement - Karmic Reflections**

I want to share a VERY VERY personal experience with you. For a man, it doesn't get any more personal. This happened December 18, 1999; the day of my knee replacement surgery.

I walked into the operating room and I'll never forget how it looked. There was "stuff" all over the floor from the previous surgery. What a mess. I guess they don't tidy up between surgeries. This was pretty upsetting for a Virgo.

My anesthesiologist asked the surgeon about giving me an epidural for pain control after the surgery. This was a new plan for the surgeon. He thought about it and then agreed. The next thing I remembered was waking up in the recovery room six hours later. They had inserted a catheter into my bladder during surgery since I was confined to my bed and wired up for fluids, medication and morphine. I was hoping they were not going to do that. Don't you just love surprises.

I was moved to a seventh floor private room. I could self administer a bit of morphine every 10 minutes for the pain. Trouble started about 5 hours later. The nurse noticed that I had no urine output so she got permission to give me 1000 ml of fluid. By midnight there was still no urine output so my nurse decided there must be a problem with the catheter. After adjusting it for about 15 minutes with no luck, she went for help. So now there's both a man and a woman pushing and probing for the next half hour, and blood, my blood, is all over me and the bed. They now decide something is really wrong with the catheter. They can't get it out and they need a doctor. It's 1 am. Trust me, I was watching the clock very closely and each 10 minutes I was giving myself a dose of morphine. It took the doctor 2 hours to arrive. Then, at 3 am, the same intern who had inserted the catheter during surgery arrived and worked on me for the next 30 minutes - which included putting his HAND up my rectum, as he tried to push the catheter out through my prostate. But it wouldn't budge and he told me he would need to call in an Urologist. By now the bed was a pool of blood. I was so scared. Trapped in a hospital bed, my bladder ready to burst, a catheter stuck inside of me, not knowing what was going to happen, and left without any answers. I counted each minute until the next push of morphine - just to be in control of something. I teach that letting go of control is very important to our growth. I knew I was learning something here that was good for my soul.

The Urologist showed up at 4:30 am. Now there are 8 people in my room watching. This new doctor unpacked a wire that looked over 20 inches long. I wondered what in hell he was planning to do with that! I told him that I didn't believe I 'd ever been so scared and I hoped he knew what he was doing. He introduced himself as the head of the Urology Department and said he felt confident that he could remove the catheter.

I could not watch. I was holding my breath, trying to be very small and wishing to be anywhere but trapped in that hospital bed, having to trust a complete stranger to help me. In the past, I'd always run away from my problems. I teach the concept of INscension - being totally present. I wasn't about to energetically leave this time. I had to be here now - even for this.

After about 10 minutes he said, "I got it." My audience applauded. I was exhausted and elated, saved from an unknown fate. A new catheter was inserted and all was well. It gave new meaning to the word "relief."

After the doctor left, it took the nurses an hour to clean up the mess. It looked like I had given birth. One of the nurses expressed concern that I didn't have any privacy. By now, I didn't care. I just wanted the experience to be over and I wanted my space - even if it was just a 36 X 72 inch bed. It's amazing how small a space we really need.

When the nurses were done, it was 5:45 am. I got very quiet in my mind and asked my Higher Self what this experience was all about. I could see pictures of many things.

The following images flashed through my mind:
giving birth
having an abortion
being raped
some weird occult experience
a karmic penis completion
bleeding to death

And then I realized it was only that the catheter got stuck and none of these things had any energy around them any longer. It was calm.

I quieted my mind again and I felt the most profound compassion for women - my experience being but a tiny piece of what they must experience in childbirth. I remembered what my former wife went through when she was in labor for 3 days. I felt connected with the female in a way that I had never experienced before. I teach that the last duality in our physical reality is balancing the male and female. This feeling of compassion filled me with a quiet, deep knowing of myself - a balance between my male and female in my own inner word. It was the closest to God that I've ever felt.

Being a healer today is one of my greatest challenges. To truly help ourselves and others, we need to experience many challenges ourselves. When I first started my healing path, I said I wanted to be a healer of healers. I believe I have attracted many of these situations so that I can have compassion for others. I hope that by sharing this story, none of you will ever have to have this physical experience.

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